As a child, the pastor of our church was positioned, in my mind, along with the President of the U.S., as someone very important and unapproachable. When I became a university student, and met pastors who worked in college ministries or students who were studying to be pastors, that "unapproachable important person" label began to fade away. Since that time, I have found it easier to approach and talk to pastors. Whenever I engage frequently in conversation with pastors, I tend to easily view them as slightly more than acquaintances, but frustratingly, it seems impossible to actually be friends with them.
Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. With friends there is mutual phone calling, non-church related texting, coffee or other get together activities that can occur on any day and often with short notice, invitations from both parties to come over and hang out, etc. In my relationships with pastors, phone calling tends to me short and business-like, texting is almost always related to church events, any getting together activity or visitation must be planned weeks in advance and is almost always initiated by me. And so, when expecting a friendship, this kind of relationship seems exhausting and frustrating.
That's why, when I happened across a blog post entitled "Pastors Can Make the Worst Friends", my interest was peaked. In this article, a pastor from Arizona named Joshua Reich, begins with the harsh one liner, "Most pastors are nice people, they just don't make good friends." He goes on to explain that the various aspects of pastoral work make it very draining, and that, because of all the time they spend helping people, they tend to see each new person as a project not as a person they can just spend time with.
Now that I understand better that I am in the category of "work" in the eyes of a pastor, I realize that I'm not necessarily doing anything wrong, I'm just in the wrong category of acquaintances in their minds. While I wish the pastors in my life would see me as a friend and not work, I realize that it might be very difficult for them, especially pastors who are in the churches I attend. However, just because they might be terrible friends, doesn't mean that I should not still consider them as friends. I believe that I can be a friend even if the other person involved isn't being one. Here are some ideas of how you and I can be a friend to a pastor:
- Don't bring up your problems with them. Yes, I do advise that you have someone (whether a pastor, a friend, etc.) who you can go to for advice or when you are in need, but if this is a pastor that you don't really view as a counselor/mentor, someone you don't really need anything from, then don't talk about your problems with them. Instead, as opportunities arise, ask them about their difficulties and needs.
- Know the needs of the pastor and figure out how you can help. If the pastor is really busy, it might be that he/she doesn't really have time to cook. So, maybe bring them a meal. There could be other areas you can help with, like yard work, cleaning, volunteering to help with a project, etc. Perhaps just sending the pastor a cute e-card would also help. Think about how you help your other friends with their needs (and how they help you) and try to do that for the pastor.
- Invite the pastor to a fun event. Give the pastor a chance to relax by inviting him/her to a dinner party at your house, or a sports event that you have planned. Something where they are not expected to do or bring anything may be a very welcomed addition to their agenda.
- Pray for him/her. The best thing you can do for the pastor you wish to be a friend to is to pray for him/her. Pray for God to strength the pastor in his/her work. Pray that God will help you to be a friend to the pastor in whatever way you can.
12 Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. ~1 Thessalonians 5:12-13
With the peace of mind I now have, in regards to why I haven't had successful relationships with the pastors I've wished to befriend, I hope to strive for contentment in whatever relationship I am in with the pastors I know (now and in the future), that I can be supportive of them, while knowing my place in their lives. I also hope that those of you who have been and are in similar situations will also be encouraged from this knowledge.
Girls' Bible Study
